I have to keep telling myself this. It’s important.

Maybe you should too.

This is a quote that I took from a website called Stupid Cancer. I’ll put a link to it on the Info Links page so you can check them out. Some of the stuff on there is worth a look.

The reason I refer to this quote is that since being diagnosed with cancer, and maybe even a little before that, I’ve developed an issue with body image. Well, my body image to be exact. Not other peoples.

Losing 20kg in a short space of time, when you don’t want to, can mess with your head. For those of you in other parts of the world 20kg is 44lbs or just over 3st.

I went from 85kg to 65kg in the space of a few months. The weight loss started slowly but started speeding up. By the time I got my diagnosis I was 65kg and very concerned about what was happening to my body. The diagnosis helped me to make sense of it. With the radical changes I made to my diet and the treatments I have been getting I stopped losing weight. I now fluctuate around the 68kg mark. Sometimes a couple more, sometimes a couple less.

I still have cancer so the weight is hard to put back on, even with eating a very healthy diet. In fact if I didn’t have cancer this diet would probably help me lose weight healthily. However, I don’t want to be distracted by diet and treatments right now otherwise this post will go forever. I’ll save all of that for other posts.

Back to body image and my issues with it.

The main issue for me is that I became obsessed with it. Looking in the mirror everyday at my body and commenting on it to myself. Are my ribs sticking out too much, my arms have lost muscle definition, my face has sunken, my hips have disappeared, I’m too scrawny, etc etc.

I would weigh myself everyday, sometimes twice a day. I’ve lost a kilo, I’ve gained a kilo, will I weigh more or less than I did this morning.

It becomes obsessive, an addiction, a mental health issue. This causes stress, which is not good. Stress is to be avoided at all costs if you have cancer. The more stress you have the more cancer attacks your body. The more the cancer you have the more weight you lose. I figure you can see how this cycle could get out of control.

It’s important to say here that weight issues may be different for other people with cancer, or who have different cancers. Weight loss is common, but for some weight gain is common. It all comes down to the individual, what type of cancer, diet, treatments etc.

I’m actually scared to think how much more weight I could have lost if my diagnosis had come later, or I hadn’t acted on all the good advice given. Once your body weight starts dropping you lose muscle mass, some of your organs can start shrinking, your heart beat can become irregular, you may get yellow skin, and eventually if it becomes extreme your organs will start shutting down and you’ll die.

In cancer patients there is also a condition known as cachexia, or wasting syndrome. Up to 80% of people with late-stage cancer have cachexia. Close to one-third of people with cancer die from this condition.

The difference between cachexia and other types of weight loss is that it’s involuntary. People who develop it don’t lose weight because they’re trying to trim down with diet or exercise. They lose weight because they eat less due to a variety of reasons. At the same time, their metabolism changes, which causes their body to break down too much muscle. Both inflammation and substances created by tumors can affect appetite and cause the body to burn calories more quickly than usual.

There’s a lot more to it than that and it doesn’t just affect cancer patients. Other diseases can cause it too, but you’ll have to employ Google if you want to know more.

Suffice to say you can see where my paranoia comes from in regards to my body image.

My mental health issues around my body image are probably quite mild compared to some people. Mental health and body image can affect people for a multitude of different reasons, not just cancer. I will be honest and say I never thought about it too deeply until I was affected by it. I will now say it’s a terrible thing and I empathise with people who are struggling with body image issues for whatever reason.

I will say to you, please don’t judge people who are struggling with these issues. People can’t “just get over it.” It is so much deeper than that. There are so many reasons why people struggle with their body. Why they develop bulimia, anorexia, depression, low self-esteem, have excessive cosmetic surgery or a multitude of other issues.

For me it has caused low self-esteem in regards to my body and to a certain degree paranoia about what other people think I look like. It’s a hard one to shift but I’m trying.

Fortunately for me my wife Danielle had bulimia when she was young. Well, maybe fortunately is the wrong word but I hope you see where I’m coming from.

Talking to someone who’s had issues around body image and come out the other side has helped a lot. It has helped me to rationalise it and start coming to terms with it. She understands and is helping me through it.

I no longer weigh myself everyday. In fact I’ve stood on the scales once since Christmas. I don’t study myself in the mirror as much as I did a couple of months ago. I still have issues but nowhere near as bad as what they were.

Yes, I’m desperate to put weight back on but I’m learning patience. My haematologist at the hospital told me to be patient. She explained to me that it will take a long time for the weight to come back. The cancer in my stomach lymph nodes will be absorbing a lot of my nutrients so I have to accept that I’m a work in progress. So now I think of myself as a fine wine. I will improve slowly with age.

I took a step forward last week and went swimming in the ocean for the first time since before I started losing weight. It was a hot and humid Queensland afternoon and Danielle pushed and cajoled me into going. She even bought me new board shorts that fit properly. I almost didn’t go in because there were a few people around but I pushed through and took the plunge. I did leave my t-shirt on though, but it’s a start. Next time I will expose my skinny body to the world. I shall be brave and face the fear. Oh, I will leave the board shorts on though.

Yesterday, I took another step and actually removed my shirt for a neighbour. That sounds dodgy, but it wasn’t. He was giving me a treatment on a massage table and it required me to remove my shirt.

Next step, shirt removal at the beach in front of strangers. Keep facing the fear and keep moving through it and past it.

Thank you for reading this, I appreciate it. If this has triggered anything in you and/or you have body image issues I know it’s hard. And yours could be far worse than mine. But all I can say is, you’re not alone and you don’t have to suffer alone. There are people and organisations out there who can help. Just look for them and reach out.

Take care everyone. Life is for living. Try and do one thing that you enjoy today. You deserve it.

Big love, Jon