It’s that time of the year again.

Tomorrow is the day I go to the hospital to see if I’m still in full remission. That day being Wednesday April 30th. The appointment is at 9.30am Australian standard time.

I know the details off by heart. I’m not sure what’s coming but I know what I want to hear. I want to be told everything looks good, that I have nothing to worry about. The feeling within myself is that it will all be ok. I feel fairly positive about it.

In fact up until today I wasn’t too concerned. I’ve been grooving along, living life. The good, the not so good, everything in-between. Making the most of living in the way I choose to. Then today hit. The day before tomorrow. Then it messes with your head.

I wrote a post about Scanxiety two years ago, almost to the day. I re-read it recently. Most of what I said in it still holds true. Going for check ups, scans, etc when you have, or have had cancer, can be a major ordeal. It affects people differently but there can also be similarities. Scanxiety is a recognised condition. I would recommend reading that post if you want to know more about it. You can find it here: Scanxiety

I don’t actually know if I’m having a scan for this check up. I didn’t for the three month one. At the last one I had just about every lymph node in my body prodded and poked. Blood tests were done, questions were asked, discussions were had. The specialist at the hospital deemed I was all good. Still in full remission. Maybe it will be the same this time, or maybe they’re going to surprise me with a scan. But I doubt it as in the past I’ve had plenty of warnings about scans.

Still if they suspect something isn’t right then I’m sure that scans will be put in place. Everything will be alright though, won’t it?

I’m feeling the anxiety while I’m sitting here typing this. It never ceases to amaze me how I can be feeling alright and then it suddenly creeps up on me. Bang, it’s back. So, I breathe deep, let out a sigh and manage it. Except maybe I don’t. I get frustrated at little things. I snap at people when I don’t mean to. I go into my own world and just want to be left alone. I need time to adjust, to move through it. I guess my coping mechanism is to be on my own. This writing helps, it’s cathartic. Almost like a meditation.

Is it hard to explain this to other people? Yes, I think it is. Well, it is for me. People probably get tired of hearing this, but if you’ve never had cancer you’re not fully going to understand the cancer journey. I wouldn’t expect you too. I’m glad you haven’t had to experience cancer. I genuinely mean that. I hope you never have to.

Before I had cancer I was the same. Yes, I’d lost both my parents to it but I didn’t really get it. I understood the concept of grief from losing those you love to cancer. But I never understood what it was like to actually have cancer. I know now. I understand now what they went through. The only difference being is that I survived and they didn’t. It’s all a very weird head space to go through.

My mother-in-law has recently had an operation to remove a tumour from her body. She was diagnosed with cancer a little while ago. During her radiotherapy in the lead up to the operation we had a number of talks about cancer and everything that goes with it.

We have different cancers but the concept of death is the same for both of us. How it affects us emotionally and mentally has been quite raw at times. I think it was good for both of us to have those conversations. We’re different people and we approach life differently, but there are a lot of similarities when it comes to the anxiety. We just handle those anxieties differently.

I wouldn’t want to go through the operation she went through. To me she is an extremely brave lady. It’s a big one. But she’s a private person so I’m not going to go into the details of her cancer. I’ll just say considering everything she’s been through I think she’s incredible. And when she wants to have those conversations that only cancer survivors can have then I’ll sit down and have a cup of tea with her. It helps to swap cancer stories with those that have been there.

I needed to write this for myself. To get it out. I’ll be honest and say I didn’t write this for anyone else.

However, if you’ve read this far then thank you for sticking around.

If you have cancer then you’re not alone in having all these crazy emotions and feelings. And you don’t need to be alone if you don’t want to. There are so many support groups out there. Some are officially run, some aren’t. Some are just in the world of social media. I’ve connected with a few different people through social media who are or have been on a similar journey to me. It helps.

If you’ve never had cancer then maybe this helps just a little bit with understanding how people with cancer feel. Sometimes we want company, sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we want to talk about it and sometimes we don’t. And, yes, we can be unpredictable with our emotions, it comes with the territory. We’re human, we’ve faced death, it’s a tricky one to navigate. We’re all different, we all handle it differently.

We’re all part of a club we never wanted to be part of. The cancer club. You’re not invited, but if you end up joining we’ll look after you. If you want to talk we’ll talk. We know the ropes, we understand the journey. We know how it all messes with your head.

Which brings me full circle to my hospital appointment tomorrow. It’s coming and I can’t hide from it. I’m at the point where I want it over and done with. I don’t like this part of the waiting game. It’s close and it can’t come soon enough. I just want to know if I’m doing ok or not. Then I can move forwards.

Once I process the results I’ll let everyone know how it went. Please be patient though. This is the unpredictable part again. I may let everyone know straight away the results or I may not. I never know how I’m going to feel afterwards regardless of whether it’s good or bad.

I’m going to go now and get on with the rest of the day. Just take it as it comes I think.

Live life people, it’s the only one you’ve got. Live it your way because nobody can live your life for you, and you can’t live their lives for them.

Every second counts.

Big love, Jon